


I Don’t Wanna Think of Anything Else (Now That I’ve Thought of You)

by danscardigan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Love at First Sight, M/M, No Smut, One Shot, Phil's POV, Recreational Drug Use, This is unrealistic, there is alcohol involved mates, they fall in love in one night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-26
Updated: 2019-08-26
Packaged: 2020-09-27 01:08:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20399164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danscardigan/pseuds/danscardigan
Summary: Dan and Phil meet and fall in love, all in one night.





	I Don’t Wanna Think of Anything Else (Now That I’ve Thought of You)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [edens_halo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/edens_halo/gifts).

> this is a birthday gift to my best friend. so happy birthday chris, i hope you enjoy it. leave it to my whipped ass to publish something for the first time as a gift to you. i love you so much.
> 
> also, this was inspired by daylight by taylor swift. thought i'd let you guys know in case the title didn't give it away.

It started on a Wednesday.

A crappy restaurant that was mostly empty all the time. The winter air had just begun to crowd London’s busy streets. That day, it was closed due to a reservation for a party. A mutual friend and his 22nd birthday that he thought was some sort of a milestone for him, and he had decided that mixing his friend groups would be the best way to celebrate. To Phil, it had been the worst idea ever to say yes and he had no idea why he did. He had never been good at socializing--a tad too overexcited to meet people while also being anxious and awkward was never a good combination and his teachers always called him out on being too intense around the other kids. His high school friends spent years on end asking him to tone it down and he was sure the only person that could put up with him was his mother. Bless Kathryn, always so patient while drinking a cup of tea.

Anyway.

The restaurant was cosy, not too big and the plants hanging from the ceiling were the only colour in the place aside from the cushions on the couches. Everything else was either black or white, making it look fancier than it was. Phil had had low expectations, but not this low. So far, everyone he had seen was someone he had never met before. The birthday boy said hello and then scurried off. The rude bastard, how dare he leave Phil to be by himself like that? He’d known Phil for a while now, he must have figured out the blue-eyed could’ve never befriended anyone here. He didn't even want to.

But then there was someone at the other end of the place. Life of the party, the man himself. He was surrounded by people, all too enchanted by his coffee eyes and the mop of curls on top of his head. He had no idea what about the stranger had caught his attention at first. But then he saw the dimples, carved into the man’s cheeks as holes in the sand. A broad, bright smile came along with them. Wrinkled eyes and a laugh that while being too loud, was completely intoxicating. Not only to watch but to listen to. Head thrown back, cackles running free. Phil had no intention on getting to know anyone here, but going back home without knowing this man’s name would’ve been his biggest sin to date.

So, Phil waited. Phil waited until the crowd gathered around the man started to scatter. He waited until everyone sang happy birthday and ate the cake. He continued waiting as everyone got a bit too drunk on wine and cocktails, chugging down coffees in an attempt to make it home sober. Phil was mesmerized. No matter how much he tried, or how much he pretended he wasn’t--staring seemed to be the only option to his helpless self.

He had an urge too. An urge to approach the man and tell him all the things he’d made him think. Maybe even recite some made-up, shitty poetry to get his attention. Hell, Phil would’ve juggled on top of a table if that guaranteed him one of those smiles directed at him. But the night was ending, and the stranger was too engrossed in the other guests to noticed Phil’s hopeful eyes. And so, he gave up.

Slumped shoulders and a mild pouty face accompanied him to the table full of snacks. There were all sorts of sweets, from chocolate to vanilla lollypops. He had no idea what to choose, looking around like a lost puppy. He could’ve chosen the white chocolate, but the milk chocolate seemed to be whispering endless temptations at him. Phil could’ve gone home; he could’ve ordered a pizza on the way and called it a night. Pretended he wouldn’t hate himself all night, staring at the stupid nightlight that he turned on every night just to feel less alone.

But, then, in a funny twist of events... there he was. Pretty under the yellow light, coffee eyes looked down at the table. The chocolates and lollypops were forgotten like that, along with Phil’s basic abilities of breathing. The stranger, whose hair was brown and skin was pale, looked up at him. Frozen, Phil didn’t have time to look away.

That was how it started, at the very beginning. A soft voice that Phil could’ve compared to honey in the spot if he’d had the balls to utter a word. One of those dimpled smiles, a shaky hand extending over the table.

“I’m Dan.”

His lower lip was shaking and for a moment he thought he’d forgotten his name. The stranger–Dan–was starting to look a bit awkward. It wasn’t until he was about to lower his hand that Phil scrambled to shake it. The brown-eyed let out a breathy laugh, gripping Phil’s hand.

“Phil,” the blue-eyed said. He swallowed thickly. “_Lester_.”

“Pleasure to meet you, Phil _Lester_,” Dan said, his brown eyes hiding a hint of humour as their hands let go. “So,” he looked down at the sweets. “Are you more of a dark chocolate guy or do you prefer strawberry?” He asked, holding a bar of dark chocolate and a tiny strawberry one.

“Uhm,” Phil swallowed again, looking in between the two sweets as if he had never seen them before. “Vanilla.”

“Oof,” Dan huffed. “Does that mean I get no points with you?”

“No p-points?” Phil wondered.

Dan looked at him for a second, seeming to have realised something Phil didn’t understand. The sweets went back to their place. “Okay,” Dan said more to himself than to Phil. He looked disappointed, and that was a look Phil never wanted to see again in his life.

So, being as naturally graceful as he was, he grabbed a vanilla lollypop. Not without dropping a few other sweets on the way, though. Because this guy was making him nervous and Phil had never been one to be able to have self-control. “You’re missing a lot if you don’t like vanilla,” Phil said.

A laugh bubbled out of Dan. He reached for a lollypop for himself, holding it in between the two of them. “Maybe you’re right,” he said, a shyer yet still striking smile drawing a dimple on his left cheek. Dan reached for the strawberry chocolate again. “I think you should give strawberry a shot. What do you say? I’ll try vanilla and you’ll try strawberry.”

Something about the interaction was enough to make Phil smile. “Deal,” he said.

They kept exchanging sweets throughout the evening, not caring if anyone looked at them as if they were the strangest people on Earth. Phil ended up finding out that Dan was not only extremely pretty but also funny. Free, unbothered. He was careful with his words, and now Phil could understand why everyone else seemed enchanted by every bit of who he was. It’d be impossible not to be.

The evening came to an end and everyone was saying their goodbyes at the door. Dan, now with a coat in hand, accompanied Phil to the entrance. They stood there longer than intended, not knowing what to say to each other as the other guests scurried away to their cars, their homes, or back to their lovers. Phil didn’t have any of those. Just an apartment that was rather empty and cold, especially during winter. Dan only swayed back and forth for a moment, his lips pressing on a thin line before he finally shrugged his shoulders.

“If I told you I snuck out a bottle of scotch, would you walk home with me?” He asked, his hand coming out of his back. The bag with the bottled swayed in his hand just like he did on the floor.

Now, Phil never really drank whiskey. He wasn’t big on it and he had never been. He was more of a fruity cocktails guy rather than anything else. But this gorgeous human was looking rather hopeful about his invitation. Besides, Phil didn’t think it was that late anyway. The streets were still quite crowded to go for a walk, and part of him was wondering where it’d lead later--not that he had any expectations. He didn’t have anything to lose either.

The two boys were on their way five minutes later. The few people walking on the street didn’t look too bothered by the weather, the pubs and restaurants still full of countless people having dinner. Dan walked next to him, one of his hands in his pocket and the other holding the scotch. None of them had mentioned that they should start drinking. None of them had mentioned anything at all. It was nice, though. It wasn’t awkward and Phil found himself feeling calmer than he felt nervous. Dan glanced at him every once in a while, and on what had to be the fifth time, Phil decided to speak.

“Did you buy the bottle?” He asked.

Dan smiled at him, “and you’re thinking about it until now?” Phil looked down at his shoes, trying to figure out if he was okay with theft. Dan bumped him in the shoulder then. “Yes, I bought it. Needed an excuse to get you to stick with me longer.”

Confused, Phil looked at him. “You’re not going to kidnap me, are you?”

“Yes,” Dan joked.

It took the blue-eyed half a second to understand that a joke was all the words were. And, when he did, he bumped Dan with his shoulder right back. The two laughed, falling again into comfortable silence before Phil spoke again. “You could’ve just asked me to walk you home.”

“But would you stay after without a scotch waiting to get us drunk?” Dan wondered, glimmering mischief in his eyes drawing Phil in.

Phil had to stop walking for a moment. His head tilted to the side as if he were trying to understand Dan’s occurrences. “Are you this straight-forward with everyone you meet?”

“Is it bothering you?”

“Not really,” Phil shook his head. “It’s more than what I could ever do.”

“Really?” Dan lifted an eyebrow. “You don’t seem like the quiet type.”

“And you don’t seem like the loud type,” Phil replied.

“You might have to get to know me before such accusations, Phil Lester,” Dan gave him a look, a daring one. It was an invitation to a lot of different things at once, and Phil knew that deep down, Dan was wondering if he’d take it.

And so, Phil did, with hurried words and shaky hands. “I’m trying to,” he said. “I want to get to know you… like _that._ Maybe. If you’d let me. Unless it’s too soon. If it’s too soon, then I’d understand.”

Silence fell upon them. It wasn’t the bad type of silence, though. Phil had no idea where the confidence came from but it had done the job. Dan was blushing now, a surprised smile taking up his lips as he looked down at his feet. Phil admired every move he made, every breath he took.

“I’d let you, yeah,” Dan replied quietly. “Besides, the good ones never wait. You’d do good to remember that, Phil Lester.”

“Oh, will I?” Phil smiled at him. “Maybe I should follow your advice. Who knows? If I don’t, some other man will woo you in the streets. I mean, looking the way you do… I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“How do _I_ look?” Dan lifted an eyebrow.

Phil licked his lips, looking away from Dan. “About that scotch… would it be bad if we drank it now?” Dan cackled, his feet moving again. Phil followed until they made it into a park. The only light provided for them came from the lampposts, the few people wandering around and the group of teenagers by a picnic table became their only company. Dan led Phil to a bench, sitting down on it and proceeding to open the bottle. He was the first to take a sip, Phil laughing at his reaction when he swallowed. “Bad idea?”

“Depends,” Dan answered, handing over the scotch to Phil.

“On?” Phil took a swing of the bottle himself, and he was quickly reminded about why he never drinks whiskey. His face must’ve shown exactly how he felt about it because Dan let out a heavenly laugh that Phil can’t believe he got to hear. “Tell me,” he pushed with a smile.

“If you and I see each other again after tonight, then it will be the best worst idea I have ever had in my entire life,” Dan said. He didn’t mumble the words, and he didn't look like he didn’t mean them. His brown eyes were focused on Phil so intensely that Phil was helplessly staring back.

His lips part, and before he could stop them a small smile was drawn on them. “Good,” he replied quietly. Dan seemed content with it, and so he took the scotch from Phil.

He leaned over, resting his elbow on his knee and his chin on the palm of his hand. The two stayed in silence. The hushed voices of other people made the scene perfect, alongside the crickets and the blowing of the wind. It was a beginning; they both could tell. The very first, fresh pages of a blank notebook that was eager to get filled with countless memories of theirs. And it should’ve been scary--something so new and delicate, it should’ve been terrifying. But it wasn’t.

It was easy and free to have someone to talk to as if nothing else mattered in the world. Dan laughed at Phil’s jokes, became bashful at the smallest of compliments and made it seem as if everything Phil said was as worthy of as much attention as an art display on a gallery. Phil never had someone that would listen before. Sure, he’d had a few boyfriends but none ever cared enough to listen about his cactus and the other plants he struggled to keep alive. And then there was Dan, asking and willing to know everything that made Phil the person he was.

Phil smiled at that. _Maybe not everything,_ he wanted to say, _I want to keep some for later._

He didn’t say that, though. Instead, he told Dan everything he needed to know. They spoke about Phil’s job as a photographer and the way he didn’t think he’d reached his maximum potential yet. They spoke about Phil’s pets while he was growing up and how seriously he took Christmas Eve. They spoke about the new fish Phil bought the other day and the very peculiar name he’d chosen.

“Theodore?” Dan mumbles, a little laugh escaping him. “That’s… not bad for a fish.”

“Hey, I was very good at picking a name for my pets,” Phil argued.

“_Oh?_” Dan asked, eyes sparkling as his whole attention was now in Phil’s possession. “How many pets have gone through your naming generator, Phil?”

“A few. My whole childhood was based off naming the kittens my grandmother’s cat had,” Phil replied. “Tina, Thor, Tom and Timber.”

Dan leaned over, still smiling at him as if he’d created the sun, “I’m sorry I ever doubted you.”

At this point, they had been drinking for a while. The bottle was half-way done and Phil’s vision was getting slightly blurry. Dan’s cheeks were flushed, just like the top of his nose. Dan seemed to get lost on the viewing of people living their own lives around them, and Phil had gotten lost on the view of Dan being himself in such a simple way. He was more than just pretty… Phil thought to say he was stunning might’ve covered it but the longer he stared, the longer the word seemed to be too small to describe Dan.

“Your turn,” he broke the silence.

And so, Dan took over.

Phil never believed people when they said someone else’s words left them speechless. He thought it was just some cheesy crap that came along for those who wanted to flatter others and only that. In his mind, there was no way someone else could make your head feel empty but everything else in you feel full and content. He never thought he’d shut the entire world up just to hear one person talk. Phil was never one to agree with everything someone said because no one could convince him. But then, there was Dan. He talked about things so passionately, even about the ones he didn’t like. His hands moved with every word and his eyes showed more emotion than anything else Phil had ever seen. He was eloquent, soft-spoken yet fierce. Strong-minded, and completely, irrevocably mesmerizing. Phil couldn’t stop watching but he didn’t want to anyway. That was the first time in his life that he realised he’d be fine with listening to Dan rant about the simplest things in forever.

Phil learned that he was studying law even if he hated it, that he’d had an awful experience with his roommates before he decided to go apartment hunting. He worked at a bookstore on the weekends and was lucky enough to have his parents help a bit if he ever needed something. He didn’t know whose birthday it was that night; he just went there because someone else invited him and had nothing to do. He made sure to make a point on how glad he was that he attended.

The night went on, with the two of them sitting on that park bench. They talked about music and realised they had more in common than it seemed. They discussed everything from their favourite song to less favourite animal. It didn’t take more than a couple of hours for Phil to understand that he’d be crazy if he didn’t ask Dan out properly. If he didn’t get to know him enough to get to wake up next to him in the future. Hell, maybe if he had the balls, he’d do things right and marry this man someday when whatever he felt had moved from infatuation. When they were older than they were then, ready to settle down into forever. Dan had seemed to notice that there was something too strong to be denied there, because he complained about talking too much, claiming that he never did.

“Who knows,” he shrugged, “maybe I like you."

“Maybe,” Phil smiled back. “I don’t think you could bore me even if you tried, anyway.”

Dan’s mouth sealed shut then. His eyes looked from Phil’s blue ones to the man’s lips. The world paused then, and Phil wanted Dan to make a move. But perhaps it was too soon. Dan only parted his lips before he looked away. He stood up then.

“We should continue our quest,” he had said, offering his hand as if he were a prince on a movie. Phil chuckled, accepting his hand as he allowed Dan to pull him up. “I have to be honest, that scotch is kicking me in the balls right now.”

“It was quite strong, wasn’t it?” Phil laughed; his hand still tied to Dan as they walk down the path. “Is that why you’re stroking my hand right now?”

Dan snorted, “no alcohol in the world can make me stroke something I don’t want to stroke.”

The innuendo arrived late to their minds, but it did. And Phil laughed so hard that he finally understood how actually drunk he was. It was probably irresponsible of him since he had only just met this man and they weren’t even in a safe place right now. Still, this was the happiest he had felt in a long time. Maybe it was superficial and he hadn’t known it yet. Maybe things were as simple as that.

They walk through London as if time wasn’t a thing. The decorations for the upcoming festivities were already up, giving the streets a glow that they usually wouldn’t have any other time of the year. The shops around the city had their own decorations up as well, and Phil had never enjoyed window shopping as much as he did with Dan.

“Okay, okay,” Dan called, taking one of the lasts sips of scotch there were. He stopped before he talked again, still sensitive to the burn in his throat. He climbed a tiny wall, both of his hands reached to hold Phil’s when he stumbled over, the bottle was held in between their palms. Phil did nothing but serve as Dan’s balance as he attempted to walk backwards. “I’m gonna guess something from your life and you’ll tell me if I’m wrong or right, yeah?”

Phil chuckled, “okay.”

“Only son?”

“Wrong,” Phil shook his head.

“A brother?” Dan squinted his eyes, trying to look as if he was putting too much thought into it. Eventually, he jumped from the wall. He still didn’t let go of Phil’s hands, walking a few steps closer to him. “Older?”

“Yes,” Phil replied. “You’re psychic.”

“Just a good guess,” Dan shook his head. “There are no such things as psychics… Or ghosts and souls.”

Now, that’s the first thing they didn’t agree on. Phil wasn’t necessarily a believer on everything Dan had mentioned, but a handful of paranormal experiences led him to believe that maybe there was something out there. He did believe in fate, though. Actually, he had never believed in fate as much as he did that night.

“No souls then,” Phil nodded his head, letting go of Dan. The two started walking side by side again and Phil was the one to down the scotch after deciding that Dan didn’t need anymore. “What about fate?”

“Mmm, dunno,” Dan replied. “I like coincidences better.”

“How would you describe tonight, then?”

Dan went back to looking at him. “What do you mean?”

“Just two guys who happened to end up in the same crappy party, to then just end up… here?” Phil gestured around with his arms.

Dan smiled, “maybe.”

“I think there’s something bigger than that,” Phil had said, running a hand through his quiff before dropping the empty bottle of scotch on the nearest dumpster. “My turn to guess,” he added. “You’re a dog person.”

“That’s not really a guess, is it?”

“Depends,” Phil shrugged.

“On?”

“If we see each other again after tonight, and I happen to learn along the way that you’re a cat person, or worse, a _rat_ person,” he cringed at his own words. Dan laughed, throwing his head back. His hand found its way back to Phil’s, their fingers interlocking between them. Phil didn’t complain about anything for the entire night.

They reached a building after a while, Dan fumbling with his free hand in his back pocket until he got a pair of keys. He dragged Phil inside the lobby and stopped when he was about to touch the button for the elevator.

“What?”

“You sure?” Dan asked. “We won’t be doing anything because I’m drunk and so are you, is that okay with you?”

Phil looked in between Dan’s eyes. He couldn’t be mad at the doubt in the man’s eyes because he knew he would’ve had the same one if their positions were switched. So, he just squeezed the brown-eyed’s hand and nodded his head. In his drunken state, he pulled Dan closer. “If we do see each other again after tonight, and a lot of times more after that, then we’ll have plenty of time to do everything else. Tonight, I’m fine with just talking if that’s what you want.”

A fleeting look went through Dan’s eyes before a smile slowly made itself present. “Okay,” he muttered out, looking away from Phil only to press the button to summon the elevator.

Dan’s apartment wasn’t much bigger than Phil’s, and the blue-eyed assumed that that was what they could afford on their own, or at least as good as it could get. However, Dan’s place wasn’t as empty as Phil’s. Books were overflowing the bookshelf and there were posters on the walls. There was a blanket on the couch and videogames under the TV. Shoes on the door and coats hanging by the door. An abandoned umbrella next to the couch and, overall, it looked like homey. Lived in, and very welcoming.

Midnight hit the clock rather soon, and Phil still hadn’t gone home. Dan was barefoot in the kitchen. He had gotten up from the couch to get a snack and Phil followed suit because that’s all he knew how to do. They had left the fridge’s door open so it’d provide them with a bit of light. Dan was mumbling sleepy words about the dream he woke up from another night. That’s when Phil realised that the deepest corners of his heart were hoping and begging that Dan would never leave. That whatever he had with this stranger wouldn’t end in the morning because it couldn’t be just a coincidence that they met that night, and it couldn’t be just a whim of the universe that Phil felt connected to this man in more ways than he ever felt connected to another person.

Perhaps, it’s all about the freckles by Dan’s eyes or the little rosy patch at the bottom of his cheek. It all could have also been because of his eyelashes or the way his dimple appeared like a ghost at the most subtle movements. Maybe it was all the little details that Phil got to notice in such a short amount of time. All he knew is that he could’ve dedicated hours to photographing every detail in Dan’s face without getting tired of it.

“I should stop boring you with my dreams,” Dan had said, finishing off his cookie.

“As I said, you couldn’t bore me if you tried,” Phil reminded him.

Dan chuckled, shaking his head as if he were in proper disbelief. He stared at Phil for what felt like an eternity before he spoke. “Where on Earth did you come from?”

Phil frowned, “what is that supposed mean?”

“I’m a stranger,” Dan said, “but you let me get you drunk and drag you to my place. Aren’t you at least a bit worried that I’m going to skin you or something?”

“At this point, I’d let you,” Phil had replied before he realised it was a very weird answer. But Dan laughed because, of course, he had to. “I just… I don’t have many friends,” Phil opened up, his drunk mind telling him it was the right thing to do at the moment. “And you’re like… beautiful. I think I’d be worried about my sanity if I had said no.”

“Beautiful, huh,” Dan smiled shyly. “So_ that’s_ how I look, then.”

“Oh, shut up,” Phil chuckled. “You know you’re stunning, you don’t need a stranger to tell you about it.”

“You’re right, but I wouldn’t mind hearing you say it again,” the brown-eyed said before hopping off the counter. Phil watched him as he left the kitchen, closing the fridge and following soon after. He found Dan back in the couch, the blanket over his legs and the paused TV show that they abandoned earlier still lighting up the room. Phil joined him, looking at him as he rummaged through the drawer next to the couch. He pulled out what seemed to be a shiny decoration, but when he moved closer Phil could tell it was nothing else but a pipe. “Do you mind?”

“No,” Phil shook his head. Dan handed him the pipe before he went back to rummaging through the drawer. Phil took his time to play with the pipe, twirling it in between his thumbs. It was not like others that he’d seen before, this one had patterns all around it that made it look like a whole universe was going on inside of it. “Here, I can help,” Phil said, taking the box from Dan’s hand. At least he wasn’t the only one who kept his weed inside a metal box.

Dan watched him peacefully, his cheek resting on his knuckles. The only movement Dan made was when handing him the lighter. Now, Phil hadn’t done this in a while because he’d been busy with work. But once he felt the familiar burn in his throat, he threw his head back, letting the smoke sit before he set it free into the living room. He handed Dan the pipe.

The hours went on and on and Phil didn’t realise that probably needed to go home by the time it was two in the morning. Dan didn’t seem to agree, though, since he had found a YouTube video that showed colours. So, they shut the curtains and played it in the dark of Dan’s living room. They had moved the cushions and the blanket to the floor and then lied down.

Phil watched Dan’s face change from shades of red to blue, to purple and then green. Orange and pink. Dan had his eyes closed, his breathing calm and his eyelids always in movement. A song was playing in the back, the lyrics unrecognizable. Something about being tired and lonely and bitter. Phil hadn’t related to anything more. Except, now he didn’t feel as lonely. Dan opened his eyes after a while, his head rolling until he could stare right back at Phil. The blue-eyed blinks lazily.

The song went on in the background, but Phil was lost in something else. His mind was creating universes, and Dan’s eyes were creating all sorts of hopes and dreams. And… it made no sense. Phil was hypersensitive to everything around them. He could feel the bit of air that still snuck through the curtains and the way the blanket felt under his body and how hard the floor was under it. He could hear the traffic outside Dan’s window, and his mind was racing along with the thumping of his heart.

It felt weird. It didn’t make sense at all. A stranger wasn’t supposed to make him feel the way Dan did. But the thing is, he was already feeling all of it and pretending it wasn’t there was only going to make him regret leaving when the sun came up or Dan kicked him out. Maybe they weren't in love yet, and he was so aware of it that the impulse of saying it must’ve been the mix of alcohol and drugs fucking up with his head. All he knew at the moment is that it felt like the most desperate and sinful type of love he’d ever get to experience.

Like a shitty romantic comedy.

A shitty romantic comedy where they’d end up drunk in the back of a taxi, promising forever and whatnot. Where they’d fall insanely in love to break up sometime later, and Phil would have to make a grand romantic gesture to get Dan back. To make him believe that Phil’s love wasn’t only in his imagination. That it was right there for him to own, to take care of. To enjoy. And, in the end, they’d end up happily ever after with three children and a dog.

But, the truth? This was their reality. High of their arse on Dan’s floor with tens of thousands of feelings dancing in their eyes. And Phil had no idea how to handle it, because how do you tell someone you don’t love yet that you’re willing to spend forever with them without scaring them away?

Shit, Phil didn’t even know how to love at all.

The people in his past were only ghosts of everything he feared. Unloyalty, heartbreak and abandonment. And for the longest time, he’d convinced himself that that was all there was. But here was Dan, and it was too soon. Too soon to promise a future, too soon to even promise something as close as the next day was. But Phil finally felt like he was waking up from a long slumber that did nothing but cause his hopeful heart to freeze. The type of slumber that was a never-ending nightmare that no even a nightlight could keep away. And all of it was happening in a cold December night, the one year he chose not to go back to his parents for the entire month.

“You know,” Dan whispered, swallowing thickly, “maybe fate does exist after all.”

“Changed your mind?”

“I think so,” Dan said. He bit his lower lip, his body moving so he could lie on his side. Phil only stared at him, letting him do whatever seemed to be keeping his mind busy. “I’ve felt alone for so long, Phil,” the brown-eyed mumbled. “And maybe it’s because I’m high off my arse,” they both laughed, “but you don’t make me feel as lonely as everyone else does.”

“What if we fall apart?” Phil whispered, the fear present in his voice.

Dan gave him a tiny smile that didn’t promise that they wouldn’t, “at least we tried. I want to try. For what’s left of today, and then I want to try tomorrow again. Two weeks from now, a month from now. I want to know you, and not only for a… night like this where I buy scotch just to spend time with you after a shitty party. But for so much more.”

Phil swallowed, staring at the colours as they reflected on Dan’s eyes. Phil remembered then the many times his mother talked to him about taking risks. To her, diving into something too early when you were sure of it had never been a sin, and she had always encouraged her children to do it. She had felt bad, of course. Because all of Phil’s risks led him to spend half of his life alone because he never gave himself up to someone in a way that they could love him for who he was. He had always been in a rush, too preoccupied with the possibilities to focus on the joy he already had.

It always felt like he was staring at his life during night time when the light wasn’t enough and everything around him was a confusing haze of nothingness. He spent too much time thinking, waiting for everything to fail. He thought about endings and failure and goodbyes. Phil had always wanted to be defined by the things he loved and desired, yet he was letting himself be defined by the things he feared and hated. But now? Now he was staring at Dan, and part of him was sure he didn’t want to think about anything else ever again. And if people were going to define him in the future partly because of the person he loved, then that person might as well have eyes that remind him of coffee and forever.

And so, he let himself go. His hand reached to touch the man’s cheek and that seemed to be the only confirmation Dan needed. He leaned in slowly, his eyes flickered in between Phil’s eyes and his lips. And when they kissed, Phil knew that every risk from now on would be worth it if Dan was taking it with him.

The brown-eyed’s lips were only a bit chapped, moving softly against his. The kiss wasn’t hungry or hurried. It was slow, tender and inviting. And when they pulled away, Dan smiled so brightly that neither the moon nor the sun could compare to him. And when Dan cuddled to his side, his head on Phil’s shoulder and Phil’s arm around him, Phil knew that they’d be just fine when he closed his eyes.

The next time Phil opened them, all he saw was daylight.


End file.
